btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
