this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
