My liver just broke up with me...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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