she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
