I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
