with your own penis?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
