New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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