3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
