ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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