Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
