dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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