I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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