Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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