The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
