I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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