I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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