babies were throwing up all over the place
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
