That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
