Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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