stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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