I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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