I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
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He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
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Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?