Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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