and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
