I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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