she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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