I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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