Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
