If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
