i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
