I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
