Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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