Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
