He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
