I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
