this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
