i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
