why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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