"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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