i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
