i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
