M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
