Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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