ya dads aren't the best wingmen
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
