This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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