I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
