dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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