dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
no you cant smoke seaweed
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
