I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
