Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
