Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
