so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We're too hungover to prance.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
