I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
