I hope mine doesn't look like that
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
