Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
