no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
