Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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