when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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