you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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