My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
